Expectations & Isolation

There’s no question that the holidays are a tender and vulnerable time. For many, it’s a time of grief and sadness, a time where the loss of friends and family are felt very heavily. But for those with chronic illness, its a time of unrealistic expectations and isolation.
There’s a different type of grief that comes along with chronic illness. There’s this feeling of almost being half alive; unable to really live and enjoy, or be fully present.
I’ve always felt this weight around the holidays; this societal pressure to feel my best and enjoy life. I mean why wouldn’t I? “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” But, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get myself there.
To be honest, I’ve felt this pressure my entire life. I’ve felt it on birthdays, special occasions, holidays, events, school dances and even dinner outings.
Chronic illness can be confusing for people who aren’t experiencing it themselves. It usually doesn’t have an outer appearance, so those who have never lived through it, often wonder why we aren’t enjoying ourselves, if we don’t “look” sick? I believe this is the case for those suffering with mental health issues, as well. If you don’t feel well physically, how are you expected to feel well mentally and emotionally, and vice versa? This relationship is intimate and so important for our well being.

Acceptance

These feelings of being disconnected and half alive were heightened last year, when I was on the Elemental Diet during the holiday season. I spent Thanksgiving and my 25th birthday, bedridden, starving, in chronic pain, feeling ill and half dead. Not to mention, I watched everyone around me enjoy a decadent and delicious Thanksgiving meal, which felt pretty close to torture, while I starved and sipped on my shakes. By the time Christmas came around, I was just starting to eat food again, but I was still dealing with symptoms of anorexia. Although I was able to eat, I was still feeling weak, sick, lightheaded, frail, and foggy, which kept me from enjoying my time with family.
Aside from feeling as if I was missing out on life, I grew to feel resentful and angry. I felt as if I was good for nothing. Useless. I felt isolated, ostracized, burdensome, depressed, confused, hateful, and eventually, numb. I felt it all.
So how did I get through this time, of such intensity?
I wish I had a clear answer for you. In fact, I find this topic difficult to talk about, because it can be very conflicting. But I’ll do my best to express what I’m trying to get across.

I wish I could say I had a few tips and tricks in my pocket that you can pull out when you’re feeling low and ill, but to be honest, there was nothing I could really do. I mean, sure, there are always a few things here and there that we can do to keep our minds busy, to keep ourselves distracted, to feel a little more human; but the distractions only last so long. This doesn’t mean we escape reality. This doesn’t mean our pain ends, our sickness passes, or that our emotional state mends. Although I tried implementing a few day to day distractions, to keep me from reeling, the part of my healing process that impacted me the most, had more to do with my frame of mind; it had to do with acceptance and choice. I knew I had lost complete control, and I had to accept that. Rather than fighting and resisting myself and my body, in disbelief that I was in this place, I chose to accept and surrender. I chose to see this as a time of healing, a time that for whatever reason, was meant for me. The path was laid out, and I chose to walk it.

I know it may seem terrifying to accept this very space. I know it sounds bleak, and I know it sounds miserable. But, I can tell you with confidence, it gets better. And it’s worth it.

I can tell you, there is hope.

Remedies for the Bedridden

Although it was difficult to see light during this time, there were a few things I did to keep my mind busy, so I could at least try to forget about my pain and illness for just a moment. Below are a few “remedies” and practices I turned to, when I needed a pick me up or a shift in perspective.

Treat yourself

While I was in the thick of it, I treated and spoiled myself. I used every teensy bit of my energy to take a little time to light candles, diffuse essential oils, put on face masks, watch my favorite feel-good movies, binge Netflix series, and when I was feeling just a tinge more energy, I’d meander to the nearest nail salon or spend a little money on a relaxing massage. This gave me a different outlook on my healing process. If I was stuck here, I might as well use it as an excuse to relax as deeply as I could, even if it meant spending a little more money than I usually would! I deserved it, and so do you.

Find something good

Every day I chose to read something good, watch something good, and listen to something good. I collected books, and read up on spirituality, healing, and living simply and minimally. I listened to podcasts on healing. I listened to music that made me feel relaxed and comforted. And I watched movies that just made me laugh or simply feel good. Easier said than done, but simply finding what feels good makes a difference. I promise, you will too, feel a hint of good.

Get crafty and creative

This couldn’t be more cliché, but I swear it works! While I was on bed rest and confined to the four walls of my home, I spent time getting crafty and creative. Because it was the holiday season, I created fall floral arrangements, I painted and glittered pine cones and dried eucalyptus, I decorated a Christmas tree and adorned our kitchen in garlands. I connected with my artistic side and created flatlays, color stories, and texture studies. This kept me distracted and feeling a small sense of purpose and identity.

Find your people

Although my birthday was a horrendous day, filled with excruciating pain and sickness, it was also a beautiful one, filled with love and unity. My significant other at the time, invited our friends over, to eat slices of “Elemental Cake,” in solidarity with me. He blended elemental formula, poured it into a pie pan, and froze it with candles on top. We each ate slices of “cake,” cozied up in our home. It’s safe to say we will probably never eat an Elemental Cake ever again, but it made that time comforting and sweet, the way it needed to be.

Shortly after that, I was starting to re-introduce food. I was on a cup of bone broth, 1/4 cup of butternut squash purre, and five elemental shakes, per day. We had plans to go to Harry Potter World, in celebration of my significant other’s birthday, but I was incredibly nervous to do so, because I still wasn’t walking quite yet. Although it was his day, we rented a wheelchair and each of our friends traded off, pushing me around the park. I felt burdensome and embarrassed, but the three of them continued to reassure and comfort me, throughout the day.

Give yourself permission to be loved

One of my favorite quotes that I held tightly during this time, and continue to keep close to this day, is by Danielle Doby, “Give yourself permission to be where you are, and to still be loved for it.” This has always been a challenge for me, as I’m sure it is for most. But, I believe it’s an important part of the healing process. One of the most important things I learned during this process is that people and love are everything.

During this time, I had nothing. I had nothing to give and nothing to contribute. I was physically incapable of working and serving others. I was unable to pursue my career or complete simple tasks, such as cleaning the dishes or doing laundry. In the thick of it, what I realized, is, if we strip away everything; our jobs, our material items, our social media, our financial/social status, all we are left with, is are our people. This became a major perspective shift that I really needed. Although I felt vulnerable and weak, in my barest of bones, I knew I had to let people in. And, that, if you ask me, is the truest gift.

Getting Through the Holidays with Chronic Illness